Palucha

Sucks. I hate how I still can't let go. My days feel long as hell. I spend hours staring at my ceiling. I'm stuffing my face with junk food. I'm slowly beginning to dislike people more and more every single day. I HATE couples that are lovey dovey over Facebook. Sometimes my computer screen looks like its twisting or morphing. I've been drinking heavily. Life is nothing like a song. Just feel like nothing else matters. I've stopped taking medication for a month now. I've been talking to my cat or the walls because my schizophrenia kicks in throughout the day. The Xbox 360 my friend let me borrow sucks alot. It gets boring as hell. There's only one thing that can make me happy but I cant have it... Palucha sucks.

Sinatra.

This song struck me today. I've heard it before but today it really hit me. Sinatra is right. I need to understand that's its all a part of life.

Irony...

Today I did something very ironic. I gave the best relationship advice I think I could have ever given. Funny because I gave it to someone I don't even like. She was crying. Just there in the soccer field. With her friends around her. After she got up she took a seat in the field. I began talking. I really don't know why but words just came out. I told her everything that I wish I could do. I said its best to move on. I told her she is still young. She has a long life ahead of her. So on and so on. My eyes even got watery when I began talking. Cause I knew how she felt. It sucks. But what i said was ironic and hypocritical. I can't even do that. I'm still a mess and I can't really help it. I guess I told her all that stuff to make her feel better. I hope she gets better. Sucks to see someone in that situation. But I guess now we both have to fight out of it and live on.

Another Day...

That I just wear a mask. Everything seems impossible. I had some temporary fun with the Bernstein cheerleaders. My best friend Lia, twisted her ankle. Hope shes ok. Her ex boyfriend had to carry her off the field. Had a chat with him about women. I told him why its worth giving everything you have for a girl. I think he understood. I can only hope for the very best in them. As for me, well I'm alone. Lonely every day. Just daydreaming of what I could have had. I guess I'm getting good at putting on a fake smile. Coincidentally, the only words that roamed my head where some lyrics from a GG Allin song. Those words were: Live Fast, Die Fast....

Coincidence...

Ever since (500) Days of Summer I feel like my love life relates to the movie. I feel as if Day 500 is close. Its not that I'm gonna get with someone but I just feel I will move on. I know Its gonna suck but I think I'm going to stay single. I think its time to rebuild my image. I found out why I haven't let go of her today. The reason is: love at first sight. That's all it was. At first I thought that was some fairy tale bullshit but it happened to me back in 9th grade when I first saw her. I guess she was Summer and I was Tom. I can only hope for the very best in her cause I know she will move one faster than me. That's all I wish for and all I will ever wish for. I guess its time to rebuild... Slowly, even if it hurts. I will slowly rebuild.

Frank Sinatra- I've got you under my skin

Can't stop listening to this song... It expresses my afternoon.

The Birth of Heavy Metal in My Life.

When I was in elementary I was into hip-hop. Artists like 50 Cent, Eminem, and Outkast ruled the radio. I remember listening to Power 106 everyday on a mini portable radio. I listen to The Beatles, and some oldies because of my father but that's about it. In 5th grade a few friends made a survey of what everyone listened to. Some people mentioned The Black Eyed Peas (when they were good) others mentioned Hoobastank and Yellowcard. Alternative music was becoming popular on the radio but I wasn't really interested until middle school. I got into Panic At The Disco (how lame of me.) I became a fan of Alternative music just like everyone else. One day that I hanged out with my neighbor they played some System Of A Down. I got into them immediately. I downloaded their songs into my iPod and listened to them every single day. When looking through videos on Comcast "On Demand" I saw a the title Enter Sandman by Metallica. At first I thought Metallica was some hillbilly band because of James Hetfield's face. They just looked unappealing so I never wanted to watch the music video. Regardless, I ended up watching the video and It changed my life... I fell in love with Heavy Metal. I began listening to them. I started watching VH1 Classic and spent all day watching bands like Slayer, Led Zeppelin and Judas Priest. I watched the movie Heavy: The Story Of Metal and it instantly became on of my favorite films. Ever since that day I became a fan of Heavy Metal and the sub-categories of it. I'm glad Heavy Metal is now a part of my life...

Wherever I May Roam..

My Future awaits....

Pickles.

She was the single most fucking annoying girl. Yet I didn't talk to her. She looked annoying to me. One day when I was riding to school to visit my ex, I got to say Hi to her. Well she said hi to me outta nowhere. A few days later we started talking. Just simple Hi's and byes. One day she stayed in my art teachers class. We talked a little and I got to know her more. You know the basics. After that day we would hang out more often afterschool. Share some brief conversations about life and so forth. There was a period where I disliked her for doing something to another friend of mine. I just smiled. Acted fake in front of her yet talk shit behind her back. I realized what I was doing was childish so I stopped. We began talking again even though she deleted me off of Facebook. When vacation started I began talking to her on FB and I would see her around school because she had "Volleyball" practice. (Bullshit excuse to see her BF lol). Now things have changed between us. I won't be able to see her like I used to. Shes moving to the OC this weekend. It sucks letting someone like her go. She helped me a lot with my relationship problems. When I was in desperate need to vent she was basically there. I promised her that I would visit her. 50 miles isn't far away even though she thinks it is. I'll truly miss her. She made me believe in the term "Best Friend" cause she secretly was....

The Smiths - Well I Wonder.

Cant stop listening to this song. Its either this or I Know Its Over. I guess the Smiths know how I feel.

Love.

Fuck it. I'm sick of it. Does it mean anything. Like when you spend time with someone you love yet they can't do the same. They say they do but deep down you know they don't. Today I spent time with my ex. We talked, hugged, kissed, you know the usual. But what really fucking sucks is that we aren't together. Yeah we act like a couple but there is no partnership. What really pisses me off is that I give that extra effort to not fuck up. Yeah my friends have told me, "move on" and so forth but I'm not giving up. This is one thing I hate about her. She doesn't realize that with my exes I wouldn't give two shits about them. But this one thinks shes just like the rest. What she doesn't know is that behind every damn song I post on my facebook, every quote I copy and paste, and damn response I give to someone has something to do with her. It pisses me so much. Yeah she has her flaws and so do I but i look beyond that in her. She thinks I'm always going to look down on her or something. I just sometimes really wish she know how I felt. That I'm happy when I'm with her. Fuck! Im still in love...

The Smiths and missing an old friend.

I first got into the Smiths in 2009. A close friend, half human half cat introduced me to them. At first I wasn't really into them. They were just some old guys singing the blues. After awhile I forgot about them. Recently with this whole relationship thing that just passed I got into them again. I'm not sure why they just popped into my head and I started listening to the them again. This old friend of mine was really influential in my life. Within a week a grew attached to her. We spent a day on our bikes and looking at the LA skyline from a beautiful view she showed me. She gave me flowers that day. I kept them. Its been almost 2 years with them! They are still in the same place I put them. Yea they are dried up but they remind me of how someone can change me within a day. She's someone I will surely never forget. Hopefully I can see her soon. Its been a long time since I've seen this gata. :D

The Return.

Today I figured I want to return to the cycling game. I want to be fast again. Grow the thick legs I had before I stopped riding my bicycle. Slowly Ill return to my normal life. I left my bike today at a local bike shop called Orange 20. Some people dislike the store because they think its overpriced. I actually love the store. Its never done me wrong. Every time I go in, it always feels like I want to return to greatness again. I got a thickslick rear tire, some chain ring bolts and brake pads. Ill be picking up my bike on Tuesday even though they might finish by tomorrow. Interesting fact: Some people didn't know that a mechanic at this bike shop is a well known LA Graffiti Artist. I wont mention his name on this because I don't want people just going in there for autographs. Its so cool how a great graffiti artist will be working on my bike! After that I decided to have some old school mother son time so I headed to Glendale Galleria with my mother to print out some pictures of some races. I got some flashbacks of the lifestyle I used to live. I guess ill soon be returning to it.

500 Days....

Its a very cool movie I recently watched for the first time. I reminds me of my relationship with my ex. First time a movie has made me feel good for awhile. At the moment I feel bold. I think to myself that the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" is becoming a part of my life. I must go through thick and thin but eventually I will move on. My friend Rachel posted something on her wall that really hit me today. "I think it's fucked up when a guy is super into his girl , but his girl could care less . I mean , you're not always gonna be that lucky to find a guy a like that."  It really hit me today. I thought to myself. Why so much pain. Why so much suffering towards a girl that you cry over yet they wont give you the same love you give them. She was my first love but sometimes you got to let go of things because in the end I must not focus on the future of others but on the future of myself.  

A Journey Through the Orange Curtain.

So my friend is moving down to Santa Ana. Basically Orange County. For once in my life I'm actually motivated to go visit her. Did a little research on Metrolink trains and I think I'm going to go visit her when she moves. I also want to ride it over there one morning and come back in the train. It looks very exciting. I wont try to but I gotta motivate her boyfriend to go since he's getting all emo over her leaving. Hopefully everything turns out good.

Song of the Month. Only a few know the story behind it...

My Ex and Colombia

Haven't posted for a good time. Broke up with her. Said I used her for sex. Shitty reason to leave me. Was gonna take her to a wedding but she would rather drink with her friends. Meet this one girl. Perfect for any long term relationship. Made me happy after the few days since the break up. Saturday comes and the wedding is here. I get texts from my ex. We argue and I tell her its over if she drinks. Without caring she does the opposite of what I told her. I kiss soon afterwords. The wedding is over. I drop her off with a kiss on the cheek. I get home to find texts from my ex. Telling me how she misses me. I know shes drunk. So I just ignore her. Wake up to a shitload of texts. I tell her its basically over for breaking my promise. She begins to beg for me. I feel pity so I go visit her. I'm with her in her room but It isn't the same. In the back of my head im thinking about Colombia. It  takes me a long time to tell her I love her. I leave with the feeling of pity and seeing a sad face. Its the last kiss I gave her and the last goodbye I ever told her. Later on, I tell her how i truly feel. Shes heartbroken. I feel strong with the words. She victimizes herself the old typical way. July 1st arrives... I make Colombia my girlfriend. I seem happy at first but it just isn't the same. I miss my ex. I daydream about those long walks. All the things we had. Our conversations about the future. How we would have kids. The shit I would say that I wouldn't dare to say to any girl. I was still in love with her. Spent days saying I didn't care. It hit me one day really hard. Fell into depression. Never had this feeling. I broke up with Colombia. Told her how I felt. She understood. My ex texted me one day. Told me she misses me. I felt strong again. I talked to her. We send I love yous and I miss yous. We aren't together but we act like we were over text messages. Hope builds up...  I ask her to be with me. She denies me. I don't understand as always. She said that it was because I got with someone else. Its was understandable. But if she only knew how much I missed her. July 10th. I'm talking to her. Still with mixed emotions. Days of rejection come and go. I still look for the best in her. But she doesn't see that I actually cared. We argue. She spends most of her time on her social life instead of being in school. I see the immaturity side in her. She tells me that I never cared. I get angry and tell her off. Telling her one last time to go fuck herself. We say lates to each other. Nothing but anger out of this relationship. It sucks knowing a few months ago I was spending the time of my life with her. Too late I guess. Court on Friday. Don't see any chance of me being a free man. Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain. Goodbye.